Newsletter August 8, 2024

Book Announcement: Uncoupled

Daniel A. Cox

When I began American Storylines, the goal was to give me the space to talk about the fascinating research that never made it into our published reports or op-eds. Two years ago, while poring over a massive dataset of 20+ years of Gallup polling, I stumbled across something extraordinary: a rapidly growing gender gap between young men and women. I immediately published a post titled: “The Political Gender Gap is Exploding,” which is still the most-read newsletter I’ve written. 
 
Since then, the gender gap is a topic we’ve come back to again and again in our surveys. Earlier this year, I wrote The war within Gen Z, an attempt to explain what was really going on and why. In writing this piece, I drew on a lot of new and existing research, but still felt there was a lot more to be explored.  

Two years after publishing that initial newsletter, I’m excited to announce that I’m working on a book, UNCOUPLED, which will be published with Penguin Random House. The gender gap continues to garner a lot of interest, but the story I want to tell is about so much more than politics. It’s about the degradation of male-female relationships. Marriage rates are down. So too is dating. Rates of anxiety are worryingly high among young women, and young men appear more isolated and alone than ever. Both young men and women feel more unsure about their place in society and increasingly comfortable in blaming each other. 

Spend any time on social media and the tension between men and women is palpable, particularly when it comes to dating. I’ll share an example from a couple weeks ago.  

The comment thread is predictable, yet sad. Here’s a quick sample of responses: 

May: “Former lover girl. Had 3 longer term relationships and 1 shorter term. And now I’m 100% done .. been single for 2 years and happier.” 

Hope: “It’s tiring man. I’m done being a great, loving girl for a man who can’t do the minimum of being a good guy. I’d rather keep my love for myself if that’s what I get in return.” 

Pottah: “I love being single. The perfect man could come along and I wouldn’t choose that life. I am my own life partner, I am in love with being single and no man can take that” 

Penny: “Men don’t care. They don’t want relationships with us. Women are only objects for them to use then discard.” 

Toughtaters: “Because men always believe there’s someone hotter out there for them. It’s a generation of cheaters.” 

You get the idea. The comments go on and on. This one 30-second post elicited thousands of comments from users publicizing their pain, anxiety, and exhaustion. There is a good deal of anger too. The responses from men are equally enlightening. A user named Sam finds the comments relatable: “As a man, I’m the same way. At this point I’m living my life and not worrying about meeting anyone. It’s not worth it.” But more often than not, men sound defensive. Many commenters accuse women of being shallow or superficial—and that they have largely brought this on themselves.  

Dating has never been a simple or risk-free process. Finding a partner or spouse has always been challenging, scary, and at times, painful. But today, young men and women seem less sure of what they want and what’s expected of them. There’s heightened sensitivity to social infractions, less empathy, and little grace. The collapse of community and the rise of social media have certainly made things worse.  

The politicization of gender attitudes is probably playing a role as well. Donald Trump’s campaign is making a $20 million bet on young men, and the Harris campaign will certainly attempt to engage young women on the issue of abortion. These tactics are fundamentally changing the way young men and women relate to each other.  

The research for this project is ongoing. We’re about to field a large national survey that will focus exclusively on gender, politics, dating and relationships. In September, I’m headed to Pennsylvania to conduct a series of focus groups with young adults on these same topics. I expect to learn a lot, and I’m excited to share this knowledge with all of you as I go. (Although you’ll have to wait to read some of it in the book!) 

I’m going to continue writing for this newsletter while I work on the book. I want to continue the conversation and test new ideas. Reading your feedback and comments has been an unexpected inspiration. Keep them coming! If you have an experience or an opinion that you’d like to share with me on this topic, please don’t hesitate to email me: daniel.cox@aei.org. As a pollster I’m a practiced listener, and there are many more stories to hear. 

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